Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I can't forget this season.

I never want to forget this season. I can barely find the words to accurately describe it. Let's just say "it sucks". I can't go on like this and I know it. Here's the quote of the hour for me - "people don't change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing".

Honestly, I'm not quite there yet. Not quite in enough pain. That makes me mad. Cause I should be. I know I'm going to do this. Somehow, someway, I know that I'll be able to look back at this post and remember. I'll be glad because I'll know, really know, God's faithfulness and I'll believe in myself. So, I suppose all hope isn't lost. I just want to remember. I so easily forget these seasons. Then I end up in them again. I don't want that to happen.

Ugh. here I am.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Equally Skilled

It's late as I write this, so forgive me if this sounds like rambling randomness.

I'm not quite sure how I got here. It's a lot to think about and reflect upon. I'm in a bad place as far as life goes. Trying to be honest about it here.

I've been listening to all my Jon Foreman EP's lately. He's such a great songwriter.

"Equally Skilled" is a song off of his Fall EP. The lyrics are so accurate as far as describing how we, as humans, are so completely capable of doing good as well as doing evil. Both of our hands are "equally skilled".

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here after the harvest
There's nothing here at all
Nothing at all here that could placate my hunger

And both of our hands are equally skilled
At doing evil, equally skilled
At bribing the judges, equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands , Both of our hands

I think this speaks to me because it shows both ends of a spectrum. I make horrible choices. I make great choices. I'm "equally skilled" at both doing good and sucking horribly at life.
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just getting better and better at the bad.
Have I just been disillusioned? I always hate to say "I'm confused", but, honestly, I'm confused.
How did I ever get like this? Tough question that does not have a simple answer.

Ok. Let's look at another song. Off of his newest EP, Summer, Jon Foreman has several songs that speak to my state of being :)
"Again"..great lyrics and a cool oriental vibe to it . I think that title speaks volumes to me, actually. My life seems very cyclical in so many ways. Here I am "again" in the same place I was 6 months ago, a year ago, five years ago.

Oh Lord, God of our Fathers
This day, let it be known
That you, Lord, are God of the present tense

Oh Lord, Father of history
This day, let it be known
That you, Lord, are present in a human event
Answer me, oh Lord
Let your people know
That you're turning our hearts back to you
Turning our hearts back to you
You are turning our hearts back to you
Again Again

I guess my question is "will I let you turn my heart back to you"? I'm sad that I even need to ask that question.

I'm far. The human condition truly baffles me. I know that I can't give up. I know that you won't give up on me. That's about all I know right now. Changes have to be made. I know that. The sadness comes with the realization of how far I've gone and how bad some things really are. I'm not sure that I've ever truly acknowledged that. It's tough and messy. Maybe the realization that this will take some time is important too. I'm all about "results". Maybe that's part of the problem. This is a step by step, fail, start over, kind of thing. This will not happen overnight. I really need to get that, take it to heart.