I'm making big decisions. Signed a lease for my first apartment a week ago. I move in one week.

I've been talking about moving for years now and I honestly believe that this is going to be a turning point in my life. I realize that moving isn't a 'cure all' for the issues that I've struggled with the past few years, but I certainly believe that it's a step in the right direction for me.

This is going to be tough. A good kind of tough, though. An adult, mature, responsible toughness. Exactly what I need. I know that I am capable and ready for this but it's still nerve-wracking.

I've just been praying for the place, the apartment building, the people already living there. I want it to be a good experience. I have to remember too that I didn't sign a 30 yr. mortgage, it's a one year lease! I'm not locked in forever by any means. It's a small, cute place on the bottom level of an apartment building.

I've already bought some stuff and I need to get some furniture very soon here. I'm excited. God has always been faithful and I know that he will provide for me as I enter into this new season. I hate my doubt. It's gonna be a tight budget. But, again, when has he ever left me hanging? Never. I need to keep that on my heart as I enter this week and prepare for this move.

I can't forget this season.

I never want to forget this season. I can barely find the words to accurately describe it. Let's just say "it sucks". I can't go on like this and I know it. Here's the quote of the hour for me - "people don't change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing".

Honestly, I'm not quite there yet. Not quite in enough pain. That makes me mad. Cause I should be. I know I'm going to do this. Somehow, someway, I know that I'll be able to look back at this post and remember. I'll be glad because I'll know, really know, God's faithfulness and I'll believe in myself. So, I suppose all hope isn't lost. I just want to remember. I so easily forget these seasons. Then I end up in them again. I don't want that to happen.

Ugh. here I am.

Equally Skilled

It's late as I write this, so forgive me if this sounds like rambling randomness.

I'm not quite sure how I got here. It's a lot to think about and reflect upon. I'm in a bad place as far as life goes. Trying to be honest about it here.

I've been listening to all my Jon Foreman EP's lately. He's such a great songwriter.

"Equally Skilled" is a song off of his Fall EP. The lyrics are so accurate as far as describing how we, as humans, are so completely capable of doing good as well as doing evil. Both of our hands are "equally skilled".

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here after the harvest
There's nothing here at all
Nothing at all here that could placate my hunger

And both of our hands are equally skilled
At doing evil, equally skilled
At bribing the judges, equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands , Both of our hands



I think this speaks to me because it shows both ends of a spectrum. I make horrible choices. I make great choices. I'm "equally skilled" at both doing good and sucking horribly at life.
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just getting better and better at the bad.
Have I just been disillusioned? I always hate to say "I'm confused", but, honestly, I'm confused.
How did I ever get like this? Tough question that does not have a simple answer.

Ok. Let's look at another song. Off of his newest EP, Summer, Jon Foreman has several songs that speak to my state of being :)
"Again"..great lyrics and a cool oriental vibe to it . I think that title speaks volumes to me, actually. My life seems very cyclical in so many ways. Here I am "again" in the same place I was 6 months ago, a year ago, five years ago.

Oh Lord, God of our Fathers
This day, let it be known
That you, Lord, are God of the present tense

Oh Lord, Father of history
This day, let it be known
That you, Lord, are present in a human event
Answer me, oh Lord
Let your people know
That you're turning our hearts back to you
Turning our hearts back to you
You are turning our hearts back to you
Again Again



I guess my question is "will I let you turn my heart back to you"? I'm sad that I even need to ask that question.

I'm far. The human condition truly baffles me. I know that I can't give up. I know that you won't give up on me. That's about all I know right now. Changes have to be made. I know that. The sadness comes with the realization of how far I've gone and how bad some things really are. I'm not sure that I've ever truly acknowledged that. It's tough and messy. Maybe the realization that this will take some time is important too. I'm all about "results". Maybe that's part of the problem. This is a step by step, fail, start over, kind of thing. This will not happen overnight. I really need to get that, take it to heart.

School Mode.

Hello Thursday night. I'm bummed that there are no more new episodes of The Office anymore. The season finale was so good , though. I rarely watch TV, but you guys know I love my Office.

I'm in school mode right now so most of my posts will be centered around thoughts pertaining to my various school mentalities and reflections, whether it be teaching school or grad school. It's always school, school, school, huh?? I have exactly one week to get a ton of stuff done to wrap up this year. I know I'm farther ahead than I was last year at this time, although, no matter how hard I try to keep up, it just seems increasingly more difficult. I worked so hard this weekend. Grading stuff, averaging grades, filling out report cards, and preparing for my grad class. I'm sorry if it just seems like I complain. I wouldn't categorize much of it as complaining. It's a continuing analysis of how my life is operating. Why does it seem that others are able to have a life? Do I expect too much of myself? (I've had many people tell me this is the case) I want to work hard and do my best. I feel like this job is so completely draining that it's almost impossible to stay on top of everything and maintain any type of sanity. I guess I feel a little better when I see people with much more experience than me expressing the same types of thoughts and emotions, also.

I know I can do this. I have done this. In one week, I can say that I've successfully completed two years of teaching in my own classroom. That's some cool stuff. I've worked hard and I'm looking forward to gaining more experience and expanding my teaching abilities. I want to be that teacher. The one that you remember for all the good things. How she treated you. How she made you feel. Knowing that she valued you as a person and worked as best as she could to share her depth of knowledge with a sense of caring that dominates the atmosphere of the classroom. Yeah ... I want that to be me.

Teaching is leaving a vestige of one self in the development of another. And surely the student is a bank where you can deposit your most precious treasures. ~Eugene P. Bertin

Who dares to teach must never cease to learn. ~John Cotton Dana

A teacher who is attempting to teach without inspiring the pupil with a desire to learn is hammering on cold iron. ~Horace Mann

Summer is almost here.

The weather is slowly getting nicer. Emphasis on the "slowly". It's coming along, though.
Eight more days of school. This year has literally flown by. It truly boggles my mind to know that I've completed two full years in my own classroom. Good job me! It's been so tough, but I knew I could do it. This year has it's own unique set of challenges. I'm tired out. My heart's desire is to do right by the students. I want to know that I've made a difference, that they've benefitted from being under my instruction for the last nine months. It's difficult when the results are not necessarily tangible. I just have to believe.

This graduate school stuff has also become a burden that is wearing me down. I keep telling myself that it will be worth it but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't doubt this some times. How will it be worth it? A little extra money? Yes, that's a good thing, though I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that I don't know if that will make up for it. I wonder why I can't ever seem to catch up. The work is never-ending. If it's not 3rd grade work it's grad school work. Non-stop.

I'll graduate next August. That sounds so incredibly far away. I really want to complain about that and it takes everything in me to step back and evaluate that statement with a heart of understanding and gratitude. Ugh.. but I will. I'm grateful that I have the mental capacity to not only attend Graduate school, but to excel. I'm grateful that I already have completed 5 classes.
I'm glad I'm getting this done as quickly as I can!

Well, Happy Memorial Day to all. I kicked but working hard this weekend. No fun for me. It does feel good to get stuff done, though. Let's see, Friday night I graded 20 Fairy Tales, Saturday morning I graded another 20. Saturday afternoon I read 3 Chapter for my Psych class and made up 15 questions, averaged grades for report cards, filled out report card comments, worked on a Powerpoint for a Wednesday presentation. Yeah! I worked hard!

Snow Day!

Snow day today!!! It was so lovely. First of this school year and the best news to hear on a Monday morning. It was a really great day. I went over Sarah's house and we were masters of cookie making. Domestic Divas, if you will. We made so much. We dipped everything we could find in chocolate. She also got me a little Christmas tree to put up in my room. It's sooo cute!

Christmas is in one week. wow. This year went so fast. A few days of school left and then Christmas break. I need to find something productive to do during this upcoming break.

I also found out that I need to go for jury duty in January. Grand jury, nonetheless. I'm really hoping that I don't actually get picked. So, we'll see what happens with that. Just don't want to miss too much school.

Well, here's to a great snow day!!

Thankless Receiving.

As I enter into this Thanksgiving week, several ideas and thoughts are running through my mind and heart. I'm struck by the fact that, for some reason, I think that being content is something that doesn't take conscious effort. I just want contentment to fall upon me like a summer rain. Slowly realizing that is not going to happen. It takes work. A retraining of the mind and spirit. I'm also realizing that I can't just decide "oh yeah, I'm going to be content". I need to start with small steps and start to build of life of gratitude.
I've always held several different "lists" in my head over the years. A list of rigorous qualities that my ideal husband would surely possess. A list of career goals and degrees I want to attain. A list of how I want to improve my appearance. These lists linger in my mind and inhibit contentment in my life.

As many people do, I habitually find myself comparing myself with others. One of the biggest things that seems to strike me as I do this is that ... it seems like my life really isn't going anywhere. Like I've been "stuck" for 25 years. Now, if you know me, you may very well be saying "well, that doesn't make sense - you've attained so much- college degree, job, etc". This is true. It's just so hard to keep in perspective as you compare yourself to others. People that I graduated high school with are moving around the country, getting married, starting families, buying houses. Now, in the same breathe, I must also remind myself of those that I also graduated high school with who are now divorced, 4 kids, dead-end job, no education. That may sound judgemental, perhaps it is, but I'm glad that I'm not on that path.

I'm content. Wait. I'm deciding to embrace the small steps necessary to nourture an attitude of gratitude! That sounds good. I'm on the road toward true contentment. How about that?
I'm thankful that I can sit on my bed with my laptop and write a blog in peace. Yes, it's the little things like this that I so often forget ... so many people don't have that luxury. There really is a contentment in my solitude that I know many people do not have. For that, I'm thankful. I can sit here on a chilly November night, light some candles, download some music, and write a blog. All is well with the world.

I have a pattern going here! One post per month! Pathetic. I know. It's the middle of November. Hard to believe.

I'm on this Rob Bell kick this weekend. I bought tickets to see him next weekend in Pittsburgh. He's a great speaker. I'm excited but I don't have anyone to go with yet! His NOOMA videos are really interesting. They've been out for awhile but I just came across some over the internet and then went out last night and bought 5 of the 18 that he has out. It's too bad they are only 10 minutes long. They are so deep though. I love them. Gives you so much to think about. My favorite of the 5 that I bought last night is called "Lump". It was so good - in a nutshell - you could never do anything to make Him love you less-.

Thanksgiving is less than a week away! I never really have any plans, but it's good nonetheless. Embracing an attitude of thankfulness has been a constant struggle for me. When I reflect upon my life, when I come to God in prayer, praise is all I have to offer. He's been so good to me. Even though I fail him daily, He is faithful and that fact will blow my mind forevermore. It's a lot to take in - grace, that is. Everytime I think I have it down, I realize that I don't. I'll never fully understand it and, you know what, I don't think I am supposed to understand it. I'm finally realizing that.

I continue to love the name that I picked for this blog! Lessons in becoming myself. It's so perfect(I did steal it from a guest on Oprah, though, so I can't take all the credit). Each day and season of life is a lesson as I become the "myself" God wants me to be. Each season brings experience, insight, wisdom, and discernment ... if I let God do that work. Over the last few months, honestly, my title should have been "lessons in derailing your life". I get silly ideas sometimes. Trying to fit into the "world" is a silly idea that frequently comes upon me. After a few months of "derailment", God lovingly pulls me back to Himself. I praise him for that. So, here I am.

October!!

Ok. I really wanted to get going on this blogging business and I'm failing miserably. It's been over a month since I've posted! Shame on me!

I have a longer weekend then usual so I suppose I could catch up quickly on here. School is going well. I'm greatful for what I get to do each day. It's the craziest, most stressful thing in the world but I am continually reminded of how I truly mold lives each day. That's huge. It's important and the responsibility of it all weighs on me heavily at times. It's hard to believe that it is already practically mid-October. We went on a field trip to the Struthers Fire Station today. Of course, it rained and we couldn't walk. It seems that every fieldtrip I've gone on in my short career, it has rained. A parent-helper who went on the trip with us asked me, at least twice while she was with the class and I, "just how do you do it?" and "wow, you must be so patient, I don't know how you do this". I know teachers get that alot, especially elementary teachers, but it just struck me again today that not just anyone can do what I do each day. That's something I know, but don't think about often. I love my job. It's madness, joy, anxiety, contentment, stress, and every other possible emotion rolled into one.

No big plans for this weekend. It was nice to see Alissa, Tracey, and her baby last weekend. I can't believe Tracey's a mom. Her baby is beautiful.
I'll be working on 3rd grade stuff and grad school stuff this weekend. I really want to keep pushing forward so I can move ahead on this Master's degree business. It's always something...

It's Labor Day. I actually went to the fair. Ate a ton! Must start Weight Watchers again for the millionith time! It's been a nice, long weekend. Tomorrow starts the madness. I'm ready, though, I have to be, I want to trust and not be so high strung. A goal of mine this year. I have a few goals. Too tired to outline them all.

I guess my big news is that I bought a new car exactly one week ago! I love it. It's a 2008 SAturn Vue. Yep - a 2008 and it's still 2007!! My first for real "new" car. It's awesome. I'm doing pretty well. Again, God is faithful. I'm feeling thankful and ready to work hard this year. :)